mel: puan, la~zelia mahesh: eelz sha & the gang: naz (honestly i hate this one) the rest: just plain ol' elia my matahari: that's a secret *wink*
i'm not a sexybomb, i'm just .. + potentially malignant medical student + psychogenically dependant on music + loves the sound of the guitar + have strong feelings towards everything + easily distracted + hates rules + responsible for own actions + hates being envious + imaginative + good sense of humour + likes to be loved (honestly who doesn't?) + finds it hard to trust someone + easily hurt
Well another entry inspired by another round of listening to Tori Amos in my car as LOUD as possible trying to clear my head. My thoughts have been spinning out of control these past few weeks. My emotions and desires are erratic and irrational, but I don't know if that's just me telling myself that or if they actually are. This is going to be a messy entry so please bare with me and hopefully by the time I reach my final thoughts I will have accomplished what I set out to do.
Desires, hopes, dreams, what are all these things, and when do we know that they are sincere and not our desire to just have some sort of emotion toward something. I guess this lays in the fact that most people consider me somewhat of a drama queen. Do I just seek out dramatic situations and go with it. What if I just think what will make my life incredibly difficult and dramatic and then just seek it out without looking back. OK I know that this cant be the case, but sometimes I feel like there must be a reason that drama and I always find each other. Then again maybe the reason I never get exactly what I want, is because I want things that I was never meant to have in the first place. Or maybe I want TOO much, but is it really possible to want too much for ourselves.
What if I just hope and dream for things that can never, and will never be just for the sake of the dramatics that will go along with the pursuit?
"After all what was I really looking for and I wonder, when will I learn Maybe my wish, knew better than I did and I wonder when will I learn when will I learn guess I was in Deeper than I thought I was if I have enough love for the both of us" Strange Tori Amos
I don't know where dreams come from or how they develop, although I guess this would be helpful in knowing just what they tell you and where you should go with them. The dreams I am talking about too are not the convoluted ones that I had as a child of dreaming someday I would be a princess or that I would grow up to look like Barbie. I mean the things that really keep you going each day. The dreams that no matter what happens the fact that you had them will keep you going even without quite getting there. I don't want to share these dreams because they are things deeply protected within my heart and quite frankly I don't want to over expose my inner workings and thoughts and desires over the internet. I guess what I'm trying to get at is I have all these dreams inside that I secretly want and desire, but some of them are quite destructive to the status quo or somewhat unattainable. So are they things that I really want or are they things I just know will make a great story in my life that has become similar to a Soap Opera these past couple of weeks. (I actually had a friend tell me yesterday that he had no need for TV when he had the life of ME to follow) Anyway, I hold these things close in secret and I guess part of me doesn't want to reveal them because they seem so overly dramatic and some even laughable. Does that make them BAD dreams though? Maybe that's the essence of the dream itself maybe it's supposed to fell unattainable, irrational, and uncomfortable! If it wasn't I would be able to just wake up one day get it have it and be done with it, but then it wouldn't be all that fun would it? I guess that's where Tori's quote comes in, what if sometimes our hopes and desires know a little bit better then our head and our heart. Maybe they keep themselves off limits and unattainable because they know it will only lead to heartache and despair. I would always contest that finally getting something that you have dreamed for and wanted a long time shouldn't be painful, but then again I know this to be wrong. Sometimes it's not the dream that stings as much as the consequences and chain of events that happens after.
So maybe after all this dreams are just a waste of time and we shouldn't hope or want for anything. That just doesn't seem like a great way to live life to me. I think there is a certain happiness for wishing and wanting things you will never have. I also think that no dream could really be all that bad if it's what you really want. The one thing I have learned through all this is the next time I'm face to face with my dream I won't run away from it as I did this time. I guess sometimes there is also fear in getting what you wanted in the first place!